And the nodule is...

So it turns out that the nodule is not gone...but the good news is that it did shrink. Although I have not seen the actual report from the radiologist, the radiologist spoke to my oncologist whom communicated it to us. The radiologist says it is the Hodgkin's behind one of my lungs. Which this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not really good either because the less the better. This does not change my stage, it just adds an "E" to the Stage 2A. Apparently, the chemotherapy will take it all away. My good cells are just really starting to get irritated with these bad cells trying to take over. The good cells are just not having it and trying to push those nasty, ugly ones out. Hence still being asymptomatic, my body still hasn't accepted the cancer. I tend to think that my breathing is worsening, but it's all in my head. I made my roommate check on me numerous times throughout the night on Monday because I swore I couldn't breathe...but in reality, I can. It's kind of like when someone says to you, "your shirt doesn't match those pants" and then you look in the mirror and think "does my shirt really not match my pants?" Okay, so maybe not the best analogy, but I tried. I am really not worried about this nodule because I have faith in the chemotherapy that it's going to go away. I mean, it has to..I really plan to live for a very long time, happily and healthy with my super hot husband and beautiful babies. Today, my sister mentioned that she is already planning my cancer-free 25th birthday which will be held in Newport Beach, my favorite place. I am lucky to have her, especially this weekend because I am kind of feeling a little bummed because I am missing friends birthday celebrations, but it'll be okay, I'll make up for it next year. Well, that is the only update I have right now. I will keep everyone posted next week. Enjoy the weekend everyone! Extra love to my lovely friends who are celebrating their birthdays this month!

Mood = Numb

Back to being "numb" again. Don't really feel anything, good or bad. I laugh, but when I laugh - I think should not be laughing - I'm sick. And then I get sad and I think I shouldn't be sad because I am going to beat this and I should be laughing. Vicious cycle I tell you. So, ya - numb is a good spot for me. My port was used for the first time this morning! Okay, so the needle is ginormous (yes, ginormous) and totally disgusting to look at, BUT the port is a lifesaver. It is not nearly as painful as the awful IV's. And I had to get the contrast a.k.a fire into my body again so they could run a CT with contrast x-ray. And guess what - the contrast did not light me on fire, THANKS TO MY WONDERFUL PORT. Shout out to the port right now. I asked my dad if I could just keep it in for 2 years so I never have to get an IV again, but he doesn't know if I can. :) I am pretty much over needles though. I was driving home from work and decided I kind of have a fear of needles, but then maybe thought it's because I have had approximately 30 in one month and I am totally not being sarcastic. Back to an important topic, the doctor looked at my x-ray and thinks that nodule in my lung is gone. BUT he said the radiologist has to make that final call, which will hopefully be by tomorrow. SAY YOUR PRAYERS TONIGHT please...we want that nodule gone! I've decided to not get my hopes up until the radiologist writes up the report (yes so Debbie Downer of me). I think Grey's Anatomy will be far more interesting this season because I am so knowledgeable of all these medical terms now and hospitals are my second home. They should maybe consider making me a character on that show or something. I'd be really fun on set, especially if they provide the tequila. (Kidding, I can't even drink right now) Labor Day weekend, what am I going to be doing? Besides daily injections, my sister is coming into town this weekend and she always makes me super happy, so I am excited for that. Oh and I discovered by a brief survey, a few of my best friends don't read my blog, they want to get the information from the source herself (me). Which I understand, but I am trying to explain how beneficial the blog is though! If the blog was read then we don't have to have 15 minute conversations with words like CT, IV, blood, cancer, wigs, etc. Anyways, I will post tomorrow and let everyone know the outcome of my scan :) Loveeee everyone.

Overwhelmed...

So, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. Last Friday, I decided to take into consideration of my future fertility options. With that said, I made the decision to preserve my eggs (not sure what the proper medical term is for that, so sorry if that is not the correct way to say it). This is the reason that my treatments did not start today and are being postponed. I thought long and hard about this decision and went back and forth, but I feel that I owe it to myself, as a young woman, to leave every window of opportunity open to have a biological child. At the end of this, the procedure may be unnecessary and I will be able to have a baby on my own, but I wanted to take the safe route. I have to give myself, well let me rephrase that - my dad has to give me two subcutaneous injections per day for ten days and if all goes as planned, I will be having the procedure done on September 11th. And just as I was finally feeling like everything is coming together and I am going to be okay and get through this...there is a suspicious nodule in my left lung (please feel free to sigh there, because that is exactly how I felt). The nodule in my lung could indicate an infection or could be the stupid Hodgkin's cells traveling their way to my left lung. BUT if they were to have begun chemotherapy today and give me one of the drugs they anticipated on giving me and it was an infection, I'd get VERY SICK. I emphasize very sick for a reason. So thank God for the decision I made to choose the fertility option I did which postponed treatment. Anyways, they have to figure out what this nodule is. Guess what this all means...MORE TESTS. Tomorrow morning, I go for more blood work, more screening and more scans. Hopefully, it's an infection they can treat with antibiotics. Because if not, I'll have to get another biopsy, which is something I REALLY don't want to go through because the procedure is very invasive. Oh, and this is all supposed to happen before September 14th? Interesting. I just don't get how people with cancer keep the strength and optimism up. Not only do they have to deal with the fact they have cancer, but they have to think about wigs, side effects from chemotherapy, port placement, fertility options, being poked with needles daily on all ends of the body, making sure they stay away from people who are sick, making sure they don't get an infection of any kind.....and the list goes on. I give the cancer survivors and anyone who has cancer credit because this is by far the toughest thing to go through. I pray everyday that God gives me the strength to get through this alive. I can't smile much today because the tears keep flowing (sorry to disappoint anyone for saying that). I miss my life...my friends, going out on weekends, dinner with my parents, and just being 24 and carefree. I would DO ANYTHING to go back to that right about now. This whole medical mess is just not working out for me right now. Because all I can keep saying right now is WHY ME? And nobody seems to be able to answer that at the moment. Please pray for me today and send me strength and health. With love...