Chemo #9 / Day#2

I don't know what the deal is with not sleeping the first night after chemo, but a trend is starting to occur. I went to sleep last night around 8:00pm, but woke up at 1:30am and then watched Tori Spelling's show on Bravo, "Tori & Dean" - all six episodes. I think I went back to sleep at 4:30am when my mom came to check on me. And since I have some weird fetish with sleeping on the couch versus a bed, my mom got on the couch next to me to lay down for a bit. I know, it's odd that I don't like to sleep in a bed the weeks of chemo. I think it's because I associate the days after chemo to being hungover and when I'm hungover, I hate beds. haha!!

Classes started on Monday and I am actually going to be taking one course on campus, as well as one online. I am excited to return back to campus this semester and even get to take a course with one of my friends that I usually take classes with! Stupid cancer didn't allow me to do that last semester, but it's not stopping me now! :) I'm getting my Masters degree whether cancer likes it or not!

I plan on just relaxing today and hoping that I'm feeling up to going to California tomorrow. We shall see!! P.S. does my end to chemo clock work on my blog? Some people say it does, some doesn't....either way, it says I have 41 days remaining!!!!!!


(Below) Me pretending to eat 20 packs of sugar...ya right. Death to artificial sugar!

Chem-ro #9

I cannot believe I am sitting in the chemo chair for the 9th time. It's taken me 18 weeks to get here, but I made it! I spoke to the doctor this morning and we discussed when I can get my port out and when I will get my first PET scan after chemo is done. He said that I will get my first negative PET scan about six weeks after chemo is done - so April 6th. Remember, a negative PET scan is a good thing! :) He said its up to me when I want to get my port out, but I just have to keep in mind that I have bad veins and I will be getting a scan every few months. I told him I felt a bit pessimistic keeping it in for a long period of time because I feel like that means I'm just waiting for the cancer to return. I think I am going to plan getting my port out sometime in May. Right before summer, then I can wear bathing suits without having a third nipple, haha :) My doctor also said that from a medical standpoint, my side effects have been so minimal compared to how bad it could be (if that makes sense). I am going to see how I am feeling the next few days, but since I have a long weekend with MLK day on Monday - I may head to the OC!! I haven't been since September 09' and I am just dying to go back!!! So pray I am feeling okay to go! I'll keep you updated. The only bad thing about going to the OC is I have to give myself my injection or my sister has to do it since I can't pack my dad in my bag with me. We'll see! Send me good thoughts!

Rough weekend!

It was a bit of a rough weekend, not going to lie. But when I say rough, I'm not referring to chemotherapy. I actually was feeling fine to be honest with you. I've been much more tired than usual, but hey, I can cope with being tired. It was a rough weekend filled with crazy emotions. It seems as if I have upset some people with my actions throughout this cancer battle. Yes, I must say I have amazing friends and family, but I also have to be honest in saying that it was not easy for me to allow some people in my life when I was first diagnosed. There were many times when friends tried to reach out to me and I simply would feel frustrated and their nice actions became an annoyance. Of course, it makes me feel terrible to think that I ever felt annoyed, but I couldn't help the feeling. Here I was 6 months ago feeling as if I was going to die (literally) and then feeling absolutely terrified of going through chemotherapy. And then here are all of my beautiful friends living amazing lives around me. Yes, of course - there was a sense of bitterness towards them...but it was only natural for me to feel bitter. Why me? Why me, I kept thinking. Not that I wanted any of my friends to have cancer, I don't even wish cancer on my worst enemy, whomever that may be. But why not the person that murders someone (intentionally) or the person that harms children? Why me?! It was hard to overcome that feeling of self pity, but when I did, I was able to let those that cared and loved me most into my life. Chemotherapy has not been easy, let me tell you. You feel like a completely different person throughout it and often look into the mirror and wonder who the person is that you are staring at. You are losing hair, your eyes even look different. I like to call my eyes - chemo eyes. And even though the cashier at the grocery store has no idea I am getting chemotherapy treatments, I live with the sense of paranoia they are looking at me differently. I often felt that my family and friends looked at me differently, even though they probably never did. Chemotherapy does things to your physical and mental state...things that no book can ever truly describe. Those that have experienced it can probably relate. A good attitude does come a long way while undergoing these toxic drugs, but some days are easier than others to remain positive and upbeat. I will say this though - I know that once I am through with chemotherapy sessions, I know that I will be able to face myself in the mirror again and I know that I will never be as judgmental as I used to be about my physical appearance or anyone elses for that matter. If cancer and chemo taught me anything, it is that beauty lies underneath the physical appearance. You make up the physical appearance, the physical appearance doesn't make up who you are. I want to become the person that is beautiful, not for my looks, but because of my kindness and because of my willingness to help other people, for whatever reason it may be. And most of all, I want people to see the genuine person I am...and I guess with all of this said, I have to thank God for giving me cancer, because He opened my eyes to truly give beauty a definition. I also think I now have the strength to share with others to let the people that care about them and love them uncondtionally to have the opportunity to love them, in the best way the people know how to. It is really important to do that...as hard as it may be.

Random...

I'm up late...was exhausted today, but now I find myself sitting in front of my computer unable to sleep. Not sure if this has anything to do with chemo or the fact that I cannot control my brain from the thousands of thoughts flowing throw it. I decided that I really miss my hair. Even though I haven't lost it all, I really miss it. I miss my full eyebrows. And ya, basically just miss hair growth. I promise to never take advantage of my hair ever again. I'll still put it in crazy ponytails, but I am not going to put color on it or do anything mean to it. I just want it to come back....that's all, I miss my hair.

New week ahead...

I think the worst is over and it's safe to say that I survived chemotherapy session #8. Hopefully I did not just jinx myself because as you know, chemo has a mind of its own. It will creep up on you just when you think you kicked its butt. I return back to work tomorrow and get to live a whole 11 days of being normal, then back to the grind for #9 on January 13th. So I probably won't be blogging much over the next week or so, but please continue to keep me in your prayers. Also, just so everyone knows, I pray for all the people praying for me and probably those that don't pray for me too, haha. I hope everyone enjoys their week!

Day 4 after CHEM-RO

Have I ever shared on my blog that I accidentally called chemo - chemRO - one day? I can't remember, but yes it's true, I called it chemro in a conversation one day. I think it was because of my chemo brain mixing up words and letters and even sometimes combining strange words together. So, from time to time, I like to call chemo, chemro. I am one confused girl, more so than I was pre-cancer. I am feeling a bit off with this whole Wednesday chemo schedule. I live on a pretty tight schedule on chemo weeks and know exactly what to do and which day to do it on. Usually, on chemo week Saturdays - I am exercising, running errands, and living a normal life. But, today is Saturday, and I am sitting on the couch with my computer - for one, blogging and I am in my pajamas still. I did take my dog for a walk, but it wasn't a very long one. And I guess just as I will finally be adjusted to the new chemo schedule, I'll be DONE! Oh yaaa.

PS - Also, can you please pray for me that I can stop being so paranoid about the cancer coming back in my body? I don't know why, but I can't seem to shake this paranoia! Every two seconds, I'm feeling on my lymph nodes and swearing they are enlarged. And every pain I get, I'm like uh-oh, is it the cancer knocking at my door again (my sister swears it's anxiety). I HATE being such a pessimist, but am thinking I just need some good energy from my support system sent my way. Thank you much. :)

Day 1 of 2010...

I cannot even lie and say that it was NOT so strange being home last night on New Year's Eve. Ya, it was weird. I fell asleep at 7:00pm, woke up at 9:00pm, then again at 11:00pm. I then decided to live vicariously through the people having fun on the Las Vegas Strip via television, but only to find that it was more depressing that I was sitting at home in my pajamas. But might I add, my pajamas were very cute! Anyways, it was weird - end of story. On the chemo side of things, I am feeling good, but still taking it easy and not getting too crazy too soon.

Oh, and guess what I can say now? "Next month, I'll be done with chemo." The end.

Look for me ringing in 2011, I'm making a HUGEEEE comeback in 2010.