Rough weekend!

It was a bit of a rough weekend, not going to lie. But when I say rough, I'm not referring to chemotherapy. I actually was feeling fine to be honest with you. I've been much more tired than usual, but hey, I can cope with being tired. It was a rough weekend filled with crazy emotions. It seems as if I have upset some people with my actions throughout this cancer battle. Yes, I must say I have amazing friends and family, but I also have to be honest in saying that it was not easy for me to allow some people in my life when I was first diagnosed. There were many times when friends tried to reach out to me and I simply would feel frustrated and their nice actions became an annoyance. Of course, it makes me feel terrible to think that I ever felt annoyed, but I couldn't help the feeling. Here I was 6 months ago feeling as if I was going to die (literally) and then feeling absolutely terrified of going through chemotherapy. And then here are all of my beautiful friends living amazing lives around me. Yes, of course - there was a sense of bitterness towards them...but it was only natural for me to feel bitter. Why me? Why me, I kept thinking. Not that I wanted any of my friends to have cancer, I don't even wish cancer on my worst enemy, whomever that may be. But why not the person that murders someone (intentionally) or the person that harms children? Why me?! It was hard to overcome that feeling of self pity, but when I did, I was able to let those that cared and loved me most into my life. Chemotherapy has not been easy, let me tell you. You feel like a completely different person throughout it and often look into the mirror and wonder who the person is that you are staring at. You are losing hair, your eyes even look different. I like to call my eyes - chemo eyes. And even though the cashier at the grocery store has no idea I am getting chemotherapy treatments, I live with the sense of paranoia they are looking at me differently. I often felt that my family and friends looked at me differently, even though they probably never did. Chemotherapy does things to your physical and mental state...things that no book can ever truly describe. Those that have experienced it can probably relate. A good attitude does come a long way while undergoing these toxic drugs, but some days are easier than others to remain positive and upbeat. I will say this though - I know that once I am through with chemotherapy sessions, I know that I will be able to face myself in the mirror again and I know that I will never be as judgmental as I used to be about my physical appearance or anyone elses for that matter. If cancer and chemo taught me anything, it is that beauty lies underneath the physical appearance. You make up the physical appearance, the physical appearance doesn't make up who you are. I want to become the person that is beautiful, not for my looks, but because of my kindness and because of my willingness to help other people, for whatever reason it may be. And most of all, I want people to see the genuine person I am...and I guess with all of this said, I have to thank God for giving me cancer, because He opened my eyes to truly give beauty a definition. I also think I now have the strength to share with others to let the people that care about them and love them uncondtionally to have the opportunity to love them, in the best way the people know how to. It is really important to do that...as hard as it may be.