One month left!

Oh ya, that's right - ONE MONTH LEFT!!!! For those of you that don't know - today is January 24, 2010 and I will be DONE with chemo on February 24, 2010. My dad is so funny, he called me this morning and said, "Laur, your mother and I went to the grocery store last night and I bought milk and I told her that my milk expires after you are done with chemo." It was pretty funny - good one, Dad. I am beyond ecstatic to be done with chemotherapy. I just pray, pray, pray that this STUPID cancer never comes back again. I despise cancer - ya I said it - despise. I promised to myself that no matter how frustrated I would get that I would never say a bad word on my blog (for those that know me, I sometimes have quite the potty mouth). My 2010 resolution was to kill cancer and to well, stop cussing. So far, I've killed cancer. Back to what I was saying, I promised to never say a bad word on the blog - so I'll just use the first letter of the word I want to use - F cancer. F cancer for coming into my life and F cancer for coming into other peoples lives. F cancer for making women lose their hair and feel like aliens. F cancer for making relationships that much harder. And most of all F cancer for making people feel like crap. That's all... Cheers friends, Lauren can OFFICIALLY see that light at the end of the tunnel and boy am I running as fast as I possibly can to it.

It's Mondayyyy....

I have arrived home safely from California. I must say that the weather was absolutely terrible on the drive home, lucky for me - Britt was driving and she did an excellent job getting us through the storm! If it were me driving, I probably would have freaked out and had to pull over. I kind of have to blame my terrible eyesight for that. No, I don't wear my glasses like I should and no, I don't wear contacts. How do I see, you ask? I don't really. :) I can see everything up close, but if Brad Pitt were 20 feet away, I would easily confuse him with my dad. haha! (Dad, don't take any offense to that) Anyways, my weekend was very relaxing! I spent most of the time on the couch watching TV - but hey, I'm not complaining. We did manage to get out of the house daily to go on a walk. I got an AWFUL headache on Saturday night, but my brother-in-law played nurse very well and was very accommodating. I blame myself for the headache because I pretty much dehydrated myself. I have this weird thing on chemo weeks that I don't like to drink anything. I have no explanation as to why, but drinking stuff repulses me. I literally force myself to drink water. Anyways, I ended up getting a horrible headache and didn't sleep well Saturday night. Then yesterday, I think I may have overexerted myself on a walk and kind of got a bit nauseous. As I sat there and felt sorry for myself being nauseous and was about to put my pajamas on at 3:00 in the afternoon - I had a change of attitude. I decided that I was NOT going to let the chemo control my body and I was going to control the chemo. Ya, that's right...you little chemo you.

Anyways, it's Monday - I am off from work today and have to go run some errands. Whole Foods called me and said they needed me to go spend $100 on groceries today. I am feeling better though and the girls are coming over tonight to watch The Bachelor! Woooo!

I probably won't post much this week, so I hope everyone has a wonderful week...keep me in your prayers!

Also, I may be purchasing a puppy after chemo is done. It's kind of my end of chemo / birthday present! I bonded with my sister and brother-in-law's maltese, Marshall...and now I want one. My parents aren't too thrilled because let's just say that last time I bought a dog, they had an addition to their family. I was 18....come on, give me a break. :)

Here's a picture of Marshall...how cute is he!!!!!!

Chemo 9 / Day 4

Yay for day 4! I am feeling pretty good today and have slept approximately 20 hours in the past two days! I usually always sleep when I come to California - not sure what it is, but I think it's because I feel I can completely relax and shut out all the outside stresses in my life. I ended up going to sleep at 8:00p.m. last night and woke up around 7:30a.m. this morning. Definitely a good nights sleep! I then also took a nap with my sister this afternoon. We are such sleepy heads. Still kind of taking it easy - probably going to take Marshall (their dog) for a walk later. My brother-in-law is watching football and I don't really understand anything about football. I just told my sister that when I was a cheerleader, I ran to the touchdown line when the other girls ran....haha! Heading home from Cali. on Monday and I'll return to work on Tuesday! I'll keep you posted on anything fun and exciting that may occur! Happy Saturday....

Chemo #9 / Day 3

The good news is that I made it to Newport Beach! Thank you to one of my best friends, Brittney and her boyfriend, Kurt, for dropping me off on their way to San Clemente! It feels so good to be back out here. Pre-cancer life, I was visiting my sister and brother-in-law at least once a month, usually more! But obviously with the minor road blocks of a little thing we like to call chemotherapy, my visits had to be put on hold. Not to worry though, because I am done next month and Orange County will be seeing lots of me again! I am having severe chemo brain today and am saying weird things, so please excuse me if this post doesn't make sense or if I use wrong tenses of words. My sister did an excellent job at giving me my injection. She made me laugh by pretending to act like our dad. Every time my dad gives me an injection, he goes, "Are you ready Laur" - I don't respond and then the needle goes into my stomach. Caroline (my sister) did the exact same thing and she even made me laugh. Gotta love my sister. My brother-in-law said he doesn't want to watch though, he isn't a big fan of needles. Anyways, I am going to enjoy my weekend, even though I am still a bit chemo-y. I have great faith that my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew Marshy bear (the Maltese), will help me get back to my normal self in no time! Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys their weekend - I'll be returning back to the LV on Monday.

Also, please extend your prayers out to the people in Haiti...they are most definitely in need of them! I plan to donate some money to the Red Cross and if everyone donated at least $10.00, we really could make a huge difference at saving some lives! If you do choose you want to donate, I highly recommend you find a legit website to donate to because as sad as the situation is in Haiti, of course we've got those evil people that want to scam you for some money so they can make some sort of a profit. How these scam artists sleep at night, knowing they have done something like that....not too sure.

Chemo #9 / Day#2

I don't know what the deal is with not sleeping the first night after chemo, but a trend is starting to occur. I went to sleep last night around 8:00pm, but woke up at 1:30am and then watched Tori Spelling's show on Bravo, "Tori & Dean" - all six episodes. I think I went back to sleep at 4:30am when my mom came to check on me. And since I have some weird fetish with sleeping on the couch versus a bed, my mom got on the couch next to me to lay down for a bit. I know, it's odd that I don't like to sleep in a bed the weeks of chemo. I think it's because I associate the days after chemo to being hungover and when I'm hungover, I hate beds. haha!!

Classes started on Monday and I am actually going to be taking one course on campus, as well as one online. I am excited to return back to campus this semester and even get to take a course with one of my friends that I usually take classes with! Stupid cancer didn't allow me to do that last semester, but it's not stopping me now! :) I'm getting my Masters degree whether cancer likes it or not!

I plan on just relaxing today and hoping that I'm feeling up to going to California tomorrow. We shall see!! P.S. does my end to chemo clock work on my blog? Some people say it does, some doesn't....either way, it says I have 41 days remaining!!!!!!


(Below) Me pretending to eat 20 packs of sugar...ya right. Death to artificial sugar!

Chem-ro #9

I cannot believe I am sitting in the chemo chair for the 9th time. It's taken me 18 weeks to get here, but I made it! I spoke to the doctor this morning and we discussed when I can get my port out and when I will get my first PET scan after chemo is done. He said that I will get my first negative PET scan about six weeks after chemo is done - so April 6th. Remember, a negative PET scan is a good thing! :) He said its up to me when I want to get my port out, but I just have to keep in mind that I have bad veins and I will be getting a scan every few months. I told him I felt a bit pessimistic keeping it in for a long period of time because I feel like that means I'm just waiting for the cancer to return. I think I am going to plan getting my port out sometime in May. Right before summer, then I can wear bathing suits without having a third nipple, haha :) My doctor also said that from a medical standpoint, my side effects have been so minimal compared to how bad it could be (if that makes sense). I am going to see how I am feeling the next few days, but since I have a long weekend with MLK day on Monday - I may head to the OC!! I haven't been since September 09' and I am just dying to go back!!! So pray I am feeling okay to go! I'll keep you updated. The only bad thing about going to the OC is I have to give myself my injection or my sister has to do it since I can't pack my dad in my bag with me. We'll see! Send me good thoughts!

Rough weekend!

It was a bit of a rough weekend, not going to lie. But when I say rough, I'm not referring to chemotherapy. I actually was feeling fine to be honest with you. I've been much more tired than usual, but hey, I can cope with being tired. It was a rough weekend filled with crazy emotions. It seems as if I have upset some people with my actions throughout this cancer battle. Yes, I must say I have amazing friends and family, but I also have to be honest in saying that it was not easy for me to allow some people in my life when I was first diagnosed. There were many times when friends tried to reach out to me and I simply would feel frustrated and their nice actions became an annoyance. Of course, it makes me feel terrible to think that I ever felt annoyed, but I couldn't help the feeling. Here I was 6 months ago feeling as if I was going to die (literally) and then feeling absolutely terrified of going through chemotherapy. And then here are all of my beautiful friends living amazing lives around me. Yes, of course - there was a sense of bitterness towards them...but it was only natural for me to feel bitter. Why me? Why me, I kept thinking. Not that I wanted any of my friends to have cancer, I don't even wish cancer on my worst enemy, whomever that may be. But why not the person that murders someone (intentionally) or the person that harms children? Why me?! It was hard to overcome that feeling of self pity, but when I did, I was able to let those that cared and loved me most into my life. Chemotherapy has not been easy, let me tell you. You feel like a completely different person throughout it and often look into the mirror and wonder who the person is that you are staring at. You are losing hair, your eyes even look different. I like to call my eyes - chemo eyes. And even though the cashier at the grocery store has no idea I am getting chemotherapy treatments, I live with the sense of paranoia they are looking at me differently. I often felt that my family and friends looked at me differently, even though they probably never did. Chemotherapy does things to your physical and mental state...things that no book can ever truly describe. Those that have experienced it can probably relate. A good attitude does come a long way while undergoing these toxic drugs, but some days are easier than others to remain positive and upbeat. I will say this though - I know that once I am through with chemotherapy sessions, I know that I will be able to face myself in the mirror again and I know that I will never be as judgmental as I used to be about my physical appearance or anyone elses for that matter. If cancer and chemo taught me anything, it is that beauty lies underneath the physical appearance. You make up the physical appearance, the physical appearance doesn't make up who you are. I want to become the person that is beautiful, not for my looks, but because of my kindness and because of my willingness to help other people, for whatever reason it may be. And most of all, I want people to see the genuine person I am...and I guess with all of this said, I have to thank God for giving me cancer, because He opened my eyes to truly give beauty a definition. I also think I now have the strength to share with others to let the people that care about them and love them uncondtionally to have the opportunity to love them, in the best way the people know how to. It is really important to do that...as hard as it may be.