Goodbye port, it's been real...

FINALLY, I am getting my port removed, the surgery is scheduled for May 14th at 9:30am. It's been a bittersweet relationship with my port. I pretty much wouldn't have survived chemotherapy without my lovely little port, mostly because I was born with the crappiest veins ever. It is pretty much once in a blue moon that nurses are able to access my veins to stick me with a stupid needle. Long story short, the port pretty much was the best thing ever and I highly recommend it if anyone ever has to go through chemotherapy, which if you are reading this, I probably like you, and I would never want you to go through chemotherapy. But I also don't really wish cancer on people I don't really like...anyways, my point of this whole babble mcgabble is that I would like to high five the person who invented the port. The only thing I would recommend that be changed is that it maybe shouldn't look like a giant, weird, third nipple in your chest. And if there isn't a way to change the shape of it then instead of being called a port, it should be called a third nipple.

Okay, that's all. Just wanted to update everyone on my oh-so exciting news of the port removal!!! Oh one more thing, my blood was taken today (I have to have blood work done once a month until my doctor is sick of seeing me) and he said my blood looked PERFECT...verbatim. Awesome news. :)

And the results are...

So, I have my PET scan results. I have to be honest and tell everyone that I have known my results since last Thursday (the day after my scan) but until I hear the words from the doctor, I don't like to tell people! I would hate to get all excited about the results to find out I potentially misread something, which can either be a good or bad thing. As much as I like to think I'm an oncologist now from all the stuff I have learned, let's be honest...I'm not. Anyways, I'll start by saying this, the doctor walked into the room today and the first thing out of his mouth was, "congratulations." I sort of had wished I had just won the lottery or something, but me being cancer free was just as exciting! He said that he wants to see me once a month to draw my blood and check my levels - which can also be a good indication if something is going wrong with me. And other than that, to move on with my life and be happy. He also said I can get my port a.k.a. third nipple out. I will be meeting with the general surgeon on April 26th to schedule that appointment. My third nipple was a life saver throughout chemo treatments, but it does not look good with tank tops...and helloooo, it's summer time.

So, to end on this note...cancer and all of it's components and I have broken up, OFFICIALLY. We don't plan on ever getting back together either. I pretty much told him that I hate him and he's super ugly.

I'll keep everyone posted on any updates that I may have. But never stop praying - there are so many of us that have been affected by cancer, and that doesn't just mean those that have been diagnosed. Whether it is someone that has personally battled it or someone that has watched a loved one battle it - it's a disgusting disease, so please, please, never stop praying for people. Regardless of how many years I stay in remission (hopefully forever) I know I will never stop praying....

First scan since Nov. 11th...

I finally received a post-chemo scan yesterday! I can't believe my last PET scan was on November 11, 2009 - that honestly seems like 20 years ago. Possibly because I feel as if I have aged 20 years in the past 6 months. I will find out the results on Monday at 10am so stay tuned...

That's all for now. I'm keeping busy with "my child" a.k.a. Milo, my dog. He is such a handful, but it does force me to get outside more and run, which isn't such a bad thing! :)

Update...

A little update...

I am getting my first "after chemo" PET scan on April 7th and will have the results on Monday, April 12th! I have been mentally driving myself crazy. I can't seem to always have the stupid cancer in the back of my mind. It's quite annoying, so what did I do to help maybe get my mental energy focused on something else...well, I got a dog. Yep, it's true. Little Mr. Milo.

I attempted to adopt a dog at the local animal shelters, but was not successful. My dad called their veterinarian and it just so happened that someone had found a 2 year old terrier and had no luck finding its owners. The dog has now become mine. :) Hoping the little guy is able to make my days brighter and not think about the stupid thought of the stupid cancer returning.

My friend Jackie did shave my head today too. I know, finally! I was SO thankful that I never completely lost my hair throughout chemotherapy...so thankful, you have no idea. BUT it has been so thin the past two months that I knew it was inevitable that it would have to come off. I'm not bald, but it's still kind of weird looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a spinning image of Britney Spears. Kidding. It's Britney Bitch, haha. :)

That's all for now! Prayers, prayers, prayers....

Life after chemo...

I haven't blogged in what feels like forever, but in reality - it's been like 2 weeks. This is the week what we used to call my "chemo week" but as we all know, those days are over. In the past two weeks, I turned 25 and have been able to start teaching my body what "normal" feels like again. I have decided I am going to get back to pushing myself physically, so bring it on cardio! It kind of started last night though - at the airport in Vegas. I arrived at the airport a little over an hour before my flight left - all was going well until I arrived at the security before the gate. It was PACKED! The time was 5:15, my flight left at 6:06. I started getting a bit nervous and often wanted to politely ask someone to cut them in line, but never got the courage to do so. I then worried that my port inside my chest was going to ring the little metal detectors, but don't worry I had just left the doctor and had them write me a note that I was not trying to blow up the plane and I simply had a metal device in me for chemotherapy. Anyhow, left the security gates at 5:50 to get on the tram to take me to the gate...and then had to SPRINT, followed by running up the escalator. Needless to say, I was panting like a dog. I'm like, wow, I have officially aged 40 years in 8 months, I'm really 65, not 25!

I am in California now visiting my sister and brother-in-law...and I was able to go on a lengthy walk around the beach (don't be jealous, well kind of be jealous) and I even climbed these stairs. My sister kept asking me if I was okay...I think she was a bit nervous I was over exerting myself. But I did okay...so moral of these long stories is I am going to get myself back in good shape!

Okay, back to the boring medical stuff. I met with my doctor yesterday and I will be getting a PET scan probably the first week of April (waiting on the place to call me to schedule it to set an exact date). I then will meet with my doctor April 12th to get the results and kind of go from there. I do have fear that the cancer will come back...but I am trying my absolute hardest to not let my mind go there, but I tell you, it's hard.

My blood work was excellent though yesterday so my white blood cells are starting to catch on that they can live freely and not run and hide from the chemo. The doctor also told me that I do have the best possible prognosis for Hodgkin's and he felt comfortable saying there was over a 90% chance the cancer wouldn't return. But I would rather have heard 100%.... :)

Anyways, that is my life! Please continue to keep me in your prayers and send me healthy, happy, positive energy!!

A few days later...

My sister asked me yesterday if I was going to continue to write on my blog and my answer was, "I don't know!" To be honest, I really wasn't planning to unless there is news that I really want to share such as, results of a PET scan! So, other than that - I probably won't be blogging much anymore!

Just to update everyone on how I am feeling, the answer is okay. I have been so exhausted the past few days and have literally spent majority of the days sleeping. I think my body has finally said, "ENOUGH CHEMO, NO MORE!"

I am very excited to get my body back to normal though and start pushing myself harder and harder each week to get my strength back. I will be eating a diet full of high antioxidant foods as well!

I turn 25 in less than a week and am excited to start a new year with a new perspective on life and health!!

Finish chemo - CHECK!

Don't be concerned that my timer on my blog isn't working because it reflects 00:00:00:00:00:00, okay not that many zero's, but you get the point! :) I am done with chemotherapy...officially! I swear the last bag of medication could not drip fast enough today!! I am definitely exhausted, but what's new! I have a bit of a different attitude this time because I don't have to return to get treatment in 15 days! Woo!!

Naturally, I feel a bit worried that the cancer will return the moment it's not fed it's toxic breakfast, but I just have to try my absolute hardest to stay optimistic and get back to my normal life. Normal life plus some new and improved modifications!

I will see the doctor again on March 11th probably for some blood work and a check-up, then after that I will get scanned, either the last week of March or first week of April. No scan date has officially been set at this time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to EACH and EVERY single one of you that have read my blog. I thank you for all your support and thank you for bringing a smile to my face on a daily basis with all of your kind gestures. They will NEVER be forgotten. And for those of you strangers or people I may not know too well - I thank you too. I hope that I have been able to help someone fight through their cancer battle or possibly inspire someone in their everyday life. I started my blog because other cancer survivors inspired me to do so and I want to give that same gift back to someone in need.

Yes, the hard part is over (chemotherapy) but cancer will forever be apart of my life and who I am. I have never been tested so hard in my life - on a mental and physical aspect. I have had much time on my hands to think about my life and re-evaluate things...and most importantly, I have really thought about the person I want to become. I have sent in requests to volunteer with the Lymphoma & Leukemia Society, as well as plan to organize many events to help young people become more aware with cancer. I think it is very important to simply be...aware.

Please never stop praying for me and the other people fighting this battle. I am forever grateful of your prayers.

The time has come!

Tomorrow is the big day, February 24th! It's so funny because I have prepped for this day as if it were my wedding day, but sadly, it's not nearly as fun as planning for that day will be - one day... :) My sister was in town this past weekend and she said to me, "We're going to grow old together" and I looked at her and told her my new goal was to make it to age 30, let alone grow to 90. Before the big cancer bus hit me, I used to plan my life all the time - I had an age where I wanted to be married by, have children by, etc. etc. Post-cancer bus hitting me, I just want to take advantage of living each day and no longer put so much pressure on myself. Sure, I will still set goals for myself and set times to accomplish them, but goals I can control. Goals I can't control will solely be put in God's hands and I will have to wait until He feels as if it's time for me to accomplish them.

I sort of cried this morning on my way to work because I was listening to a song by John Mayer called "War of my Life." I'll end this by sharing the lyrics that really touched me.

"I'm in the war of my life, at the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run
I'm in the war of my life, at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til' it's done

No more suffering, no more pain
Never again"

February the 14th

So, I was looking back at some of my earlier blog entries and sort of reminiscing everything I have experienced the past, well, 7 months. Gee, that is more than half of a year, which is sort of a long time. Moral of the story is that in one of my entries when my chemotherapy start date changed, umm, 60 times...I had thought I would be done by Valentine's Day because I had said that I would be up for grabs if anyone wanted to take me out (haha...look at me marketing myself in the dating world via my blog). Good one, Lauren. Anyways, if I had started two weeks earlier then yes, I would have been done with chemo, but I'm not - so we're sticking to the date February 24th. I can't believe it's 10 days away, it's kind of hard to believe actually. I feel like I am going to show up to the treatment center two weeks after the 24th and be ready for chemotherapy because it's been my life for the past 6 months. I think it's going to take some time adjusting back to a life without toxins pumped through my little body as well as not being stuck with needles on a weekly basis. Not that I am saying I'll miss it, but it's just going to be weird to be thrown out back on the street to be normal...I use the term normal loosely by the way.

I know this may sound weird, but I miss the smell of a Saturday morning. That may sound really strange to some of you, but I really can't explain any further because you'll probably think I am weird. :)

Anyhow, no more blogging until the 24th. Have a safe, healthy next 10 days.

Until then....keep me in your prayers for a healthy recovery. Oh, and to you stupid cancer, give me my hair back...jerk.

Day 4!

I am still kind of out of it, but starting to regain my strength and feel better. Slowly, but surely I'll be back to myself soon! I am continuing to take it easy today and just let my body get itself back together. I think my body is just at its end and doesn't want to do this anymore - well, that makes the two of us! :)

Happy Valentines Day to everyone! Even though I am valentine-less, I still enjoy the Hallmark holiday very much!! :)

Treatment #11 / Day 3

Sort of strange that it's already Friday and I got treatment on Wednesday because I honestly don't know what the heck I've been doing for the past two days! Last night, I went to sleep at 7:00pm just to wake back up at 1:30am and stay awake for about 3 hours...not fun. Luckily, I was able to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians to keep me entertained! Have I mentioned how OVER I am of having this stupid, sick feeling?! Since I relate it back to being hungover, it almost makes me never want to drink again. Well, okay, I'm kind of lying, I do want to drink again, but never to the point I'm sick and blahhhh! :)

I am still a little red-faced from the steroids, oops I mean from being sunburned in Cabo (wink, wink). I'll take the red face aftermath because those steroids are freakin' lifesavers!!!

Today, my aunt is coming over to bring me some PF Changs again - so excited....my parents will come by later to give me my daily injection of Neupogen...and then I'll probably fall asleep on the couch! Don't be jealous of my Friday, I know it's hard not to be. Have a good day everyone!

Oh, and one last thing...I was reading this story about how this lady had breast cancer, well she is now a survivor and she was saying how after so much time passed of being in remission, she can remember the first day she didn't think about having cancer at one point in her life and the day turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months....oh my gosh, I cannot wait to be at that point!

Day 2 of #11

Oh my gosh, I was so weak and exhausted yesterday! But luckily I had my parents to rub my back and legs for me and it made me feel a lot better! I was getting a professional massage once a month, but the massage therapists were a bit skeptical because they said I should have really gotten consent from my doctor since I was undergoing chemotherapy. Blah, Blah, Blah...chemo. So, now I just am waiting to be done...in less than 13 days...and then I'll get a massage every single week! :)

Because I was too cracked out yesterday to really provide an informational blog, I wanted to share something that I heard from another fellow chemo patient. She wasn't speaking to me, but I was eavesdropping...haha. She said, "The doctor saved my life, so I decided to go adopt a puppy and save their life." I thought that was the sweetest thing ever!!! And speaking of which, I am still trying to adopt a maltese, but there haven't been any at the local animal shelters yet.

I slept a bit more than I typically do on the first night.I didn't get to join the other night owls in watching the late night, early morning TV programs...which was good, because it always makes me feel SUPER creepy when I do!

Today, I will be retuning back home to my apartment and it's always nice to be back "home" even though my parents house is always nice to be at. I have a bit anxiety because I know the next 4 days won't be much fun sitting in the house all day long, but hoping time will fly by fast!

13 days, 13 days, 13 days....yay, yay, yay! Oh and I turn 25 in 3 weeks.....please 25th year of my life bring me GREAT health, that's all I am wishing and praying for!!!!!

Day 1 of LAST CYCLE!!!! (Treatment #11)

So, it's official, I am on my LAST cycle of chemotherapy. Cycle #6 is here and I cannot believe it, well actually I take that back, I can believe it because unfortunately I have had to live through each cycle to get here. :) I am extremely exhausted today, extremely. My eyes are actually shutting when I write this. With that being said, I'm keepin' it short....I'm alive, I'm well, and I'm almost done with chemotherapy. I'll be in touch tomorrow to let everyone know how I am feeling! Send me lots and lots of good vibes and prayers are always needed to keep me cancer free and strong!!!!!

Ya...whateva

There is a song by Liam Lynch called "United States of Whatever" and he pretty much states all these scenarios and repeatedly states, "Ya, whateva" to all of them throughout the entire song. Moral of the story is when I think about how bad it sucks to get chemo tomorrow...I think of my good friend Liam and say, "ya, whatevaaa." #11 tomorrow...which only means I have 1 more of this thing we like to call CHEMOTHERAPY. And like the little engine that could....I keep saying I think I can, I think I can - referring to the fact I can beat cancer and finish chemo. Yes, I just referenced a children's book in my blog and if you haven't read that book, I highly suggest you go pick up a copy right now. That little train is pretty hardcore!

Okay, that is all....I am off to get some much needed sleep and hopefully dream of some pretty amazing things. :)

Day #5 after Chem-RO #10

So, last night I felt a bit sick...not going to lie. I was feeling nauseous around 2 in the morning, kind of random. I think it all has to do with the dehydration thing again. I am trying my hardest to hydrate myself during chemo weeks, but am finding it so difficult. Liquids just gross me out so bad, it's quite strange if you ask me. But I make up for it on non-chemo weeks and drink tons and tons of liquids to give my body a break.

I am FINALLY getting out of my house today. And I think my dog, Lucie, is excited to head back home too (to my parents house - her actual home, haha). I did enjoy her company, but I think she's a bit stir crazy too! Look what I'm doing to people! Anyways, after I drop Lucie off - I am heading to Whole Foods...my new hangout. Yardhouse, who? :) Is it so weird that I get so excited to go shopping at Whole Foods now?! After that, I will probably just finish up all my homework and watch the Grammy's tonight!

As my usual trend shows, I don't blog much on my non-chemo week - so I probably won't write again until my 11th chemo session on February 10th (Happy Birthday to Sonney and Ali!)

And guess what everyone, tomorrow OFFICIALLY starts the month I have been waiting for...FEBRUARY! I asked my parents (back in August 09' when I got diagnosed) to speed me up to February magically...needless to say, it didn't happen and these months have progressed so slowly. Dear February, I love you.

Have a wonderful week everyone and please pray for all of us fighters out there!

Going a bit crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

So, I am going a bit crazy...too many days stuck in my house and doing nothing, but watching movies/TV. I just feel so gross sitting in my house and not being active outside. I kind of want to get on the treadmill and get my cardio on, but I'm scared I'll be overexerting myself...I mean, it is only four days after treatment. Being lazy doesn't really look good on me! :) My parents dropped off my dog, Lucie, to stay the night with me last night and keep me some company...so that was fun. Although, she did whine quite a bit throughout the night!

I suppose I will work on some school stuff today - I have to write a paper by next weekend. It's only 6 pages so it shouldn't be that rough! And maybe that will make me feel a bit better knowing that I was productive in some way!

Send lots of strength my way...mostly to survive the mental aspect of being lazy. Have a good Saturday everyone! :)

Session #10 / Day #3

Day 3...hmm, usually my worst of the days after treatment, but that doesn't seem to be the trend anymore. Sadly, I think my body is becoming more immune to the chemotherapy and is not phased by it much anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I feel I can go run 5 miles right now, but I also don't feel incredibly sick either. With that being said, I still take it easy for the first 4 days after chemo because I don't want it to sneak up on me and make me sick. Remember, I am in control - not the stupid chemo or cancer! I actually am also not staying at my parents house for the week after treatment anymore, I return home now on day #2. Although it is incredibly nice to be taken care of by my parents, it's also nice to be back in my own bed. :)

Today, I am just going to be sitting at home, being a bum - but my aunt is going to bring me lunch...PF Changs...my favorite!!! And my friend, Jackie, is going to come visit me this afternoon too! :)

I haven't given a hair update in some time...I still have my hair (shockingly)! I don't have a whole lot of hair left, but I still have it. I am definitely not losing it as rapidly as I was about 3 months ago! And the areas where I did lose a lot of hair, it's growing back already! I feel like a little porcupine. I CANT WAIT UNTIL IT"S LONG ENOUGH TO GET EXTENSIONS!!! But don't get me wrong...I will quite frankly just be happy to be alive still, the hair is just an added benefit!

On Monday, February 1st - Ethan Zohn (I have referenced him many times, he is the individual who won a season of Survivor...got diagnosed with Hodgkins a while ago) - he will be on the show "The Doctors" discussing his stem cell transplant and his experience with Hodgkins. He is now in remission and I thought it'd be interesting to watch because he's been such an inspiration to me throughout this! And for the ladies, he's not so bad to look at either! :)

One last thing...I wanted to extend my love to the Patterson/Glyer family who lost a special person yesterday, Helen Glyer. May God Bless Helen!

Typical Thursday!

I title this entry, "Typical Thursday" because, well, it's typical so far. I woke up around 3:30am and began to watch movies with my sidekick beagle, Lucie. She even woke up when I woke up, I think to make sure everything was okay. Everything was okay, it's just the steroids that have made me turn into quite the night owl. Wait, do night owls stay awake at night? I've just confused myself. You get the point though, right? :) I just took my anti-nausea pill about an hour ago - my dad made me some eggs and I accompanied those with a nice bowl of Raisin Bran. It is so important to continue to eat, even if you're not hungry because of the chemotherapy. Just trust me! For dinner last night, my mom made the most delicious pasta bolognese with my favorite, grass fed meat! I did wake up quite red again this morning, also because of the steroids. You may wonder why I have the steroids if it does these horrible things to me - well, they also are a bit of a life saver because it alleviates me from feeling so sick. I've come to find out that cancer is a no-win situation...PERIOD.

I take the anti-nausea drugs religiously for 3-4 days after treatment, but when you take the anti-nausea drugs, well, they can make you constipated. Yes, I said it. Trust me it's more embarrassing to feel it than to say it out loud. Especially when I have to go to the pharmacy and buy some over-the-counter medications to help alleviate it. I always try to throw in a fun magazine or some weird lip gloss so I don't feel uncomfortable getting rung up at the register. And then I want to tell the cashier that they aren't mine and its for my grandma or something, haha! Sadly, my grandma passed away when I was 10, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind me saying the pills are for her...thanks grandma. :)

I have to get the three consecutive shots of Neupogen to make sure my white blood cells stay high so I don't get some outrageous infection...well, they can cause bone aches. I never got bone aches until last week...and I have to take Tylenol to alleviate those.

So, just when you think the toxic chemotherapy isn't enough - I have to take about 3 other pills daily for about a week afterwards. And I really don't like to pump my body with this extra pill stuff, but hey, I have to do what I have to do.

Okay, I think that is enough rant for today. I kind of was hoping to enlighten everyone with a funny story, but I think I'm out of jokes today. Maybe tomorrow? :)

PS...because my countdown is disabled on my blog unless you manually type in a date yourself...it says 27 days left. Just thought I'd tell you something positive so I don't sound like a complete Debbie Downer today!!!

#10 - End of 5th cycle!

The chemo chair and I meet for the 10th time today - this is the end of my 5th cycle! Which means that next time I begin my 6th and final cycle! Yay! I began my morning driving to my parents house listening to "Turn my swag on" by Soulja Boy. It kind of got me pumped about getting chemo, haha, but I would have rather it pumped me up about going out somewhere fun! It is so funny how I get the worst anxiety ever to get chemo, yet every single time I sit in this stupid chair - its never that bad. And what's even funnier is that I define the word bad so differently. Nothing will ever be as bad as this cancer experience. No heartbreak, no traffic jam, no disappointment will ever make me feel as bad as it used to. As long as I'm breathing and am cancer free - I'm ready to take on whatever God hands me, and I will do my best to keep smiling.

My doctor told me I had chemo brain this morning because I asked him why I don't get PET scans as frequently as other people I have met do. His response was simply because I had a complete response in the last one and its not necessary. I then asked him what's the percentage it won't come back, in which he told me he has already told me and I have chemo brain (haha). Its about a 90% chance it won't come back. I would prefer 100% chance but hey, I suppose I will gladly accept the 90%.

My white blood cell count went up from Monday - it was about 3000 and today it went up to 4800. I think my white cells started to think they could return to normal, but little do they know Pac-Man (chemo) is going to eat them all so they better run as quick as they can. I do need my white cells high enough to get chemo though so its a good thing they increased!

Okay, that's all for now! Prayers are needed to get me through this week!

One month left!

Oh ya, that's right - ONE MONTH LEFT!!!! For those of you that don't know - today is January 24, 2010 and I will be DONE with chemo on February 24, 2010. My dad is so funny, he called me this morning and said, "Laur, your mother and I went to the grocery store last night and I bought milk and I told her that my milk expires after you are done with chemo." It was pretty funny - good one, Dad. I am beyond ecstatic to be done with chemotherapy. I just pray, pray, pray that this STUPID cancer never comes back again. I despise cancer - ya I said it - despise. I promised to myself that no matter how frustrated I would get that I would never say a bad word on my blog (for those that know me, I sometimes have quite the potty mouth). My 2010 resolution was to kill cancer and to well, stop cussing. So far, I've killed cancer. Back to what I was saying, I promised to never say a bad word on the blog - so I'll just use the first letter of the word I want to use - F cancer. F cancer for coming into my life and F cancer for coming into other peoples lives. F cancer for making women lose their hair and feel like aliens. F cancer for making relationships that much harder. And most of all F cancer for making people feel like crap. That's all... Cheers friends, Lauren can OFFICIALLY see that light at the end of the tunnel and boy am I running as fast as I possibly can to it.

It's Mondayyyy....

I have arrived home safely from California. I must say that the weather was absolutely terrible on the drive home, lucky for me - Britt was driving and she did an excellent job getting us through the storm! If it were me driving, I probably would have freaked out and had to pull over. I kind of have to blame my terrible eyesight for that. No, I don't wear my glasses like I should and no, I don't wear contacts. How do I see, you ask? I don't really. :) I can see everything up close, but if Brad Pitt were 20 feet away, I would easily confuse him with my dad. haha! (Dad, don't take any offense to that) Anyways, my weekend was very relaxing! I spent most of the time on the couch watching TV - but hey, I'm not complaining. We did manage to get out of the house daily to go on a walk. I got an AWFUL headache on Saturday night, but my brother-in-law played nurse very well and was very accommodating. I blame myself for the headache because I pretty much dehydrated myself. I have this weird thing on chemo weeks that I don't like to drink anything. I have no explanation as to why, but drinking stuff repulses me. I literally force myself to drink water. Anyways, I ended up getting a horrible headache and didn't sleep well Saturday night. Then yesterday, I think I may have overexerted myself on a walk and kind of got a bit nauseous. As I sat there and felt sorry for myself being nauseous and was about to put my pajamas on at 3:00 in the afternoon - I had a change of attitude. I decided that I was NOT going to let the chemo control my body and I was going to control the chemo. Ya, that's right...you little chemo you.

Anyways, it's Monday - I am off from work today and have to go run some errands. Whole Foods called me and said they needed me to go spend $100 on groceries today. I am feeling better though and the girls are coming over tonight to watch The Bachelor! Woooo!

I probably won't post much this week, so I hope everyone has a wonderful week...keep me in your prayers!

Also, I may be purchasing a puppy after chemo is done. It's kind of my end of chemo / birthday present! I bonded with my sister and brother-in-law's maltese, Marshall...and now I want one. My parents aren't too thrilled because let's just say that last time I bought a dog, they had an addition to their family. I was 18....come on, give me a break. :)

Here's a picture of Marshall...how cute is he!!!!!!

Chemo 9 / Day 4

Yay for day 4! I am feeling pretty good today and have slept approximately 20 hours in the past two days! I usually always sleep when I come to California - not sure what it is, but I think it's because I feel I can completely relax and shut out all the outside stresses in my life. I ended up going to sleep at 8:00p.m. last night and woke up around 7:30a.m. this morning. Definitely a good nights sleep! I then also took a nap with my sister this afternoon. We are such sleepy heads. Still kind of taking it easy - probably going to take Marshall (their dog) for a walk later. My brother-in-law is watching football and I don't really understand anything about football. I just told my sister that when I was a cheerleader, I ran to the touchdown line when the other girls ran....haha! Heading home from Cali. on Monday and I'll return to work on Tuesday! I'll keep you posted on anything fun and exciting that may occur! Happy Saturday....

Chemo #9 / Day 3

The good news is that I made it to Newport Beach! Thank you to one of my best friends, Brittney and her boyfriend, Kurt, for dropping me off on their way to San Clemente! It feels so good to be back out here. Pre-cancer life, I was visiting my sister and brother-in-law at least once a month, usually more! But obviously with the minor road blocks of a little thing we like to call chemotherapy, my visits had to be put on hold. Not to worry though, because I am done next month and Orange County will be seeing lots of me again! I am having severe chemo brain today and am saying weird things, so please excuse me if this post doesn't make sense or if I use wrong tenses of words. My sister did an excellent job at giving me my injection. She made me laugh by pretending to act like our dad. Every time my dad gives me an injection, he goes, "Are you ready Laur" - I don't respond and then the needle goes into my stomach. Caroline (my sister) did the exact same thing and she even made me laugh. Gotta love my sister. My brother-in-law said he doesn't want to watch though, he isn't a big fan of needles. Anyways, I am going to enjoy my weekend, even though I am still a bit chemo-y. I have great faith that my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew Marshy bear (the Maltese), will help me get back to my normal self in no time! Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys their weekend - I'll be returning back to the LV on Monday.

Also, please extend your prayers out to the people in Haiti...they are most definitely in need of them! I plan to donate some money to the Red Cross and if everyone donated at least $10.00, we really could make a huge difference at saving some lives! If you do choose you want to donate, I highly recommend you find a legit website to donate to because as sad as the situation is in Haiti, of course we've got those evil people that want to scam you for some money so they can make some sort of a profit. How these scam artists sleep at night, knowing they have done something like that....not too sure.

Chemo #9 / Day#2

I don't know what the deal is with not sleeping the first night after chemo, but a trend is starting to occur. I went to sleep last night around 8:00pm, but woke up at 1:30am and then watched Tori Spelling's show on Bravo, "Tori & Dean" - all six episodes. I think I went back to sleep at 4:30am when my mom came to check on me. And since I have some weird fetish with sleeping on the couch versus a bed, my mom got on the couch next to me to lay down for a bit. I know, it's odd that I don't like to sleep in a bed the weeks of chemo. I think it's because I associate the days after chemo to being hungover and when I'm hungover, I hate beds. haha!!

Classes started on Monday and I am actually going to be taking one course on campus, as well as one online. I am excited to return back to campus this semester and even get to take a course with one of my friends that I usually take classes with! Stupid cancer didn't allow me to do that last semester, but it's not stopping me now! :) I'm getting my Masters degree whether cancer likes it or not!

I plan on just relaxing today and hoping that I'm feeling up to going to California tomorrow. We shall see!! P.S. does my end to chemo clock work on my blog? Some people say it does, some doesn't....either way, it says I have 41 days remaining!!!!!!


(Below) Me pretending to eat 20 packs of sugar...ya right. Death to artificial sugar!

Chem-ro #9

I cannot believe I am sitting in the chemo chair for the 9th time. It's taken me 18 weeks to get here, but I made it! I spoke to the doctor this morning and we discussed when I can get my port out and when I will get my first PET scan after chemo is done. He said that I will get my first negative PET scan about six weeks after chemo is done - so April 6th. Remember, a negative PET scan is a good thing! :) He said its up to me when I want to get my port out, but I just have to keep in mind that I have bad veins and I will be getting a scan every few months. I told him I felt a bit pessimistic keeping it in for a long period of time because I feel like that means I'm just waiting for the cancer to return. I think I am going to plan getting my port out sometime in May. Right before summer, then I can wear bathing suits without having a third nipple, haha :) My doctor also said that from a medical standpoint, my side effects have been so minimal compared to how bad it could be (if that makes sense). I am going to see how I am feeling the next few days, but since I have a long weekend with MLK day on Monday - I may head to the OC!! I haven't been since September 09' and I am just dying to go back!!! So pray I am feeling okay to go! I'll keep you updated. The only bad thing about going to the OC is I have to give myself my injection or my sister has to do it since I can't pack my dad in my bag with me. We'll see! Send me good thoughts!

Rough weekend!

It was a bit of a rough weekend, not going to lie. But when I say rough, I'm not referring to chemotherapy. I actually was feeling fine to be honest with you. I've been much more tired than usual, but hey, I can cope with being tired. It was a rough weekend filled with crazy emotions. It seems as if I have upset some people with my actions throughout this cancer battle. Yes, I must say I have amazing friends and family, but I also have to be honest in saying that it was not easy for me to allow some people in my life when I was first diagnosed. There were many times when friends tried to reach out to me and I simply would feel frustrated and their nice actions became an annoyance. Of course, it makes me feel terrible to think that I ever felt annoyed, but I couldn't help the feeling. Here I was 6 months ago feeling as if I was going to die (literally) and then feeling absolutely terrified of going through chemotherapy. And then here are all of my beautiful friends living amazing lives around me. Yes, of course - there was a sense of bitterness towards them...but it was only natural for me to feel bitter. Why me? Why me, I kept thinking. Not that I wanted any of my friends to have cancer, I don't even wish cancer on my worst enemy, whomever that may be. But why not the person that murders someone (intentionally) or the person that harms children? Why me?! It was hard to overcome that feeling of self pity, but when I did, I was able to let those that cared and loved me most into my life. Chemotherapy has not been easy, let me tell you. You feel like a completely different person throughout it and often look into the mirror and wonder who the person is that you are staring at. You are losing hair, your eyes even look different. I like to call my eyes - chemo eyes. And even though the cashier at the grocery store has no idea I am getting chemotherapy treatments, I live with the sense of paranoia they are looking at me differently. I often felt that my family and friends looked at me differently, even though they probably never did. Chemotherapy does things to your physical and mental state...things that no book can ever truly describe. Those that have experienced it can probably relate. A good attitude does come a long way while undergoing these toxic drugs, but some days are easier than others to remain positive and upbeat. I will say this though - I know that once I am through with chemotherapy sessions, I know that I will be able to face myself in the mirror again and I know that I will never be as judgmental as I used to be about my physical appearance or anyone elses for that matter. If cancer and chemo taught me anything, it is that beauty lies underneath the physical appearance. You make up the physical appearance, the physical appearance doesn't make up who you are. I want to become the person that is beautiful, not for my looks, but because of my kindness and because of my willingness to help other people, for whatever reason it may be. And most of all, I want people to see the genuine person I am...and I guess with all of this said, I have to thank God for giving me cancer, because He opened my eyes to truly give beauty a definition. I also think I now have the strength to share with others to let the people that care about them and love them uncondtionally to have the opportunity to love them, in the best way the people know how to. It is really important to do that...as hard as it may be.

Random...

I'm up late...was exhausted today, but now I find myself sitting in front of my computer unable to sleep. Not sure if this has anything to do with chemo or the fact that I cannot control my brain from the thousands of thoughts flowing throw it. I decided that I really miss my hair. Even though I haven't lost it all, I really miss it. I miss my full eyebrows. And ya, basically just miss hair growth. I promise to never take advantage of my hair ever again. I'll still put it in crazy ponytails, but I am not going to put color on it or do anything mean to it. I just want it to come back....that's all, I miss my hair.

New week ahead...

I think the worst is over and it's safe to say that I survived chemotherapy session #8. Hopefully I did not just jinx myself because as you know, chemo has a mind of its own. It will creep up on you just when you think you kicked its butt. I return back to work tomorrow and get to live a whole 11 days of being normal, then back to the grind for #9 on January 13th. So I probably won't be blogging much over the next week or so, but please continue to keep me in your prayers. Also, just so everyone knows, I pray for all the people praying for me and probably those that don't pray for me too, haha. I hope everyone enjoys their week!

Day 4 after CHEM-RO

Have I ever shared on my blog that I accidentally called chemo - chemRO - one day? I can't remember, but yes it's true, I called it chemro in a conversation one day. I think it was because of my chemo brain mixing up words and letters and even sometimes combining strange words together. So, from time to time, I like to call chemo, chemro. I am one confused girl, more so than I was pre-cancer. I am feeling a bit off with this whole Wednesday chemo schedule. I live on a pretty tight schedule on chemo weeks and know exactly what to do and which day to do it on. Usually, on chemo week Saturdays - I am exercising, running errands, and living a normal life. But, today is Saturday, and I am sitting on the couch with my computer - for one, blogging and I am in my pajamas still. I did take my dog for a walk, but it wasn't a very long one. And I guess just as I will finally be adjusted to the new chemo schedule, I'll be DONE! Oh yaaa.

PS - Also, can you please pray for me that I can stop being so paranoid about the cancer coming back in my body? I don't know why, but I can't seem to shake this paranoia! Every two seconds, I'm feeling on my lymph nodes and swearing they are enlarged. And every pain I get, I'm like uh-oh, is it the cancer knocking at my door again (my sister swears it's anxiety). I HATE being such a pessimist, but am thinking I just need some good energy from my support system sent my way. Thank you much. :)

Day 1 of 2010...

I cannot even lie and say that it was NOT so strange being home last night on New Year's Eve. Ya, it was weird. I fell asleep at 7:00pm, woke up at 9:00pm, then again at 11:00pm. I then decided to live vicariously through the people having fun on the Las Vegas Strip via television, but only to find that it was more depressing that I was sitting at home in my pajamas. But might I add, my pajamas were very cute! Anyways, it was weird - end of story. On the chemo side of things, I am feeling good, but still taking it easy and not getting too crazy too soon.

Oh, and guess what I can say now? "Next month, I'll be done with chemo." The end.

Look for me ringing in 2011, I'm making a HUGEEEE comeback in 2010.